


November, 1940

by waughisme



Category: The Charioteer - Mary Renault
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Suicide Notes, ralph thinks about life and death and neither one particularly appeals to him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 19:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12115137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waughisme/pseuds/waughisme
Summary: This is my imagining of the events that Ralph might have went through when he was out getting postage stamps for his suicide letters.





	November, 1940

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! Thank you for stopping by and reading my piece. This is just my imagining. I hope you think it's alright. Please go easy on me as this is my first time posting in this fandom. All errors are mine and I apologize. I wrote this during Hurricane Irma as a distraction, so if it is odd that's because I am. 
> 
> Also, there are some parts that are really long with Ralph thinking over his life. The reason why I did this because my cousin, who survived his suicide, confined in me that he reflected on his life before trying to take it. He thought of the things that stood out to him the most and I tried to do that here with Ralph. Sorry, it's long but I really wanted to grasp that Ralph might not have had the best luck in life. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you, dear reader, find this story to be okay. Please, if you can, avoid hate comments. I do apologize if you hate my story. I know I am not the best writer, but it is passion that helps. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it! :)

_“Just lately I have been happier than I ever had the right to expect.”_

A thousand scenes played in Ralph’s mind as he read that line over and over again, all of them Laurie. Laurie smiling at Ralph. Laurie happily watching for Ralph in the waiting room of the hospital. Laurie turning around in the church at his mother’s wedding with the face of merriment when he saw Ralph. 

It was when Ralph began to think back to their first night together at Laurie’s home, with Laurie falling asleep in his arms, that he shook his head and went back to putting the letter in the envelope and licking the gum. 

In between of trying to avoid the thoughts that were intruding, Ralph remembered a lecture from his school days of the philosopher Boethius. The man who said, “History is a wheel,” but it wasn’t that famous line that caused the ache in his heart to throb more. It was, “Mutability is our tragedy but it is also our hope.” 

That line. That damn line might as well have killed him right there at his desk. How Ralph spent his whole life waiting for changes. All the boys and girls he went through, all the pubs he went in and out of, all the nights he looked up at the stars and privately promised that one day he would know what it means to be alive and happy. When Laurie came back in his life, he thought that day came. In a matter of minutes when he saw Laurie at Alec’s party, his opinions suddenly took a turn and he believed again that life was good and that the future looked bright and hopeful. 

That party. In all its vileness and gaudiness, there was Laurie. Laurie outshining everyone in Ralph’s eyes. He was still the school boy that Ralph knew and loved. Still loved. Will always love. Laurie looked like home, and his touches were advocations of peace. 

 _“Well, it’s over now,”_ Ralph thought. _“It’s all your fault. It wouldn’t have to end like this if it wasn’t for you.”_

He blamed himself.

“ _Ralph fucking Lanyon. Fucking up life since 1914.”_

He was done. 

Or maybe just tired. 

Tired of the effort that he put in only to have life slap him in the face and remind him who he is. Fate was an enemy. No person was at fault, just fate. It was that little voice that talked to him and discouraged him, told him he was no good. 

Since he and Laurie had the argument on the hospital stairs that voice became loud and clear. Ralph did not deserve someone like Laurie Odell. Who was he kidding?

For sure, he was done. He was ready to leave. It would make everyone’s life much better without him in it. All he did was mess up everyone’s life. 

Ralph looked over at the fireplace and watched as his journal continued to burn. It was taking forever. 

He watched as the flames tried to catch onto every sheet. The journal that was being erased was his newest one that he got back in January. Most of the entries were about Laurie, especially after Dunkirk and after Alec’s party. They were his most personal writings out of all his journals. They contained numerous thoughts and, to his utmost shame, fantasies. 

Thankfully, they would never be recovered. His experiences would fall in line with the million other stories that go undocumented everyday. 

He turned back to his desk and looked at the letters he had just wrote one more time. The first letter he wrote was a general note should his landlady or the police enter the flat and begin to look for one. The second letter was to Alec. He found himself writing more of a thank-you note to Alec for being a friend and wished him the best in his studies. The third letter was the most difficult one to write. Ralph started about four drafts before finally settling on the one he had just completed. He still wasn’t satisfied with it, but didn’t feel like rewriting it one more time. He wanted to get on with his day. He just wanted to get to the part where he could finally rest. 

Ralph shuffled through the letters before putting them down and began to rummage through his desk looking for postage stamps. He searched through every drawer and looked under papers and other knickknacks that were in his desk. Ralph was always good at making sure he was prepared. Before leaving the docks, he would always double check to make sure everything was in its proper place and that he wouldn’t be running on shortage. This even applied to his life on shore. Who would’ve thought that the one time he was unprepared it would be because of postage stamps. 

He let out a huff as he got up from his desk. He took the envelopes and his gun that he just cleaned and carried them over to the table where he had his meals. He checked the time. It was almost four o’clock. He had thirty minutes before the post office closed for the day. 

Ralph went into his bedroom and walked in the bathroom to brush his teeth. As he was brushing, he realized that he hadn’t changed his shirt since yesterday. He didn’t get any sleep the night before. Instead, he sat up at the table reading through his journals, reliving his life. Was it a good one or a bad one? 

He finished up and took off his shirt. He walked out to his bedroom and threw the dirty shirt onto his bed and grabbed for a clean one. It was rather unusual for him as he liked to put on clean clothes after taking a shower. But he would rather go out in public with a clean shirt than an old one. 

He quickly buttoned up and went back out to the main room. He sat down on a chair and tied his shoes. After this, he walked over to his desk and grabbed his wallet. He only took out some money that would cover the cost of the stamps instead of taking the whole thing with him. He wasn’t going to be gone for long but he had to get there just in time before closing. He did not want to delay anything.

Ralph grabbed his coat and shut the door behind him without bothering to lock it. He quickly rushed down the stairs in hopes of avoiding his landlady, Mrs. Shenton. This was no time to politely stop and make conversation. For sure if he did, he knew he would be asked to sit with her and have tea and hear gossip of people that she knew and he not. After all, he was running out of time. The post office would be closing soon. 

To his dismay, Mrs. Shenton knew it was Ralph coming down the stairs. 

“Oh, Ralph, just the man I wanted to see,” she said cheerly as she walked out her office door to greet him in the hall. Ralph didn’t reply and rushed past her. “Ralph,” she exclaimed as he shut the door. 

He started up his car and took off. To his utter annoyance, Ralph had to stop to let some bicycle riders pass in front of his car. 

Finally, he came just in time to the post office. He parked his car and got out.

The bell over the door chimed as he entered and was greeted by a young woman standing behind the counter. 

“Hello! How may I help you,” she asked him with a smile.

“Just a roll of postage stamps,” he said. Ralph silently cringed at the sound of his own voice. He was usually well-mannered but today he sensed the irritation in his speech. 

The woman nodded her head and retrieved a roll in a drawer. Ralph placed his money on the counter before she could give him the total. Her face slowly turned serious as she could tell from his body language that he did not want to be talked to. She gave him his changed and said, “Have a nice day.” She thought this would cheer up the aloof man in the naval coat. 

“You too,” Ralph said before placing the change in his coat pocket and walking out with his stamps in hand. 

Ralph unlocked his car and sat down. Before starting it up, he looked over the roll in his hand. The entire thing contained fifty stamps. He could post fifty letters if he wanted to. Did he even know fifty people that were worth writing a letter to?

He began to think of everyone and everything he encountered in his life while sitting in his car on that cold, grey November day. 

He thought of school days, teachers, summers, his parents’ silent treatment, his friends, laughter, snowball fights, game day, studying past midnight, falling asleep with his uniform and lights on, his brother praying, his sister’s smile, Hazell clutching onto his shoulders in some far-off storage room of the school, Treviss, philosophy class, geography, that time he almost failed English, first time he went to London, that semester he spent worrying about whether or not his parents were able to pay his school bills, his study room and the dust that danced in the sunlight, the creak of the wooden boards, the first snowfall, jogging at sunrise, the nicknames of classmates, pranks, Iceland, the sailors he encountered, the first time he had sex, being expelled, parents crying, leaving home, staring out into an unknown abyss, the first day he was on a boat and didn’t know anything or how anything worked. Now he could walk on a ship and talk about every nook and gadget and could walk around blindfolded. The drinks he had, the hangovers, the casual sex, the men he slept with, the empty conversations and odd confessions, the dark bedrooms over stingy bars, the money he would be counting on the sidewalk, looking in broken mirrors and wondering who the hell was staring back at him, the women and their perfume that he inhaled, the lonely Christmases, the days at sea, sailing the world from Southampton to Cape Town. From the grey hurricane waters of the Caribbean to the calm waters of Perth and the purple Australian sunset sky. Hours of him walking, nights spent staring at the wall, days spent staring out at the water and wishing. Alec. The first meeting with Alec was also the first night he and Alec had sex, waking up to believe it was all a one-time thing only to have come around and agree that they would at least try to make something out of it. The fights with Alec, the quiet dinners with Alec, the days when money ran short, that time he walked past Cambridge and watched the students go to their classes, the parties, the lonely sound of the music, the melancholy dancing, the streamers with their sparkle that descended from the ceiling always made him sad. The year he spent alone. His crew members. That sub-lieutenant with his eagerness and curiosity. War, newspapers, fish’n’chips, driving. Old timers at parties, newcomers at parties, the naive boys at the parties, Bunny. Just Bunny in general. Not any of the times they had sex but more like this one party they went to where Bunny got very drunk and wouldn’t stop laughing and Ralph had to hold him up all the way home. It wasn’t a tender moment or a romantic one, but more of one where Ralph had been thinking _“There’s got to be more than this.”_

The letter that called for all vessels and ships to sail out to Dunkirk to pick up some soldiers. The cold water, the sun shining, the distressed men, the wounded men, a man grabbing onto his leg pant trying to persuade him not to kick off “Spud” and that “he ain’t gone yet.” 

Laurie. Laurie on the stretcher. Laurie’s infamous “last words.” Laurie at the party. Laurie on the first day of school. Laurie at the swim meet. Laurie as Laertes. Laurie trying to start a revolt. Their first kiss at school. The book. Laurie and the way he talks. The car rides with Laurie at sunset and well into the night. Laurie lying his head on Ralph’s lap. The first time they made love. Ralph couldn’t hold back the thoughts anymore. He reminisced about every curve and line, every scar, the freckles that lined Laurie’s body. His hair and eyes, blushing up at Ralph, the whispers, the kisses, the touches, the talk of sweet nothings, Laurie looking up at Ralph the way lovers do. Even just watching Laurie when he was by himself was enough for Ralph. Laurie. It all went back to Laurie. Ralph use to selfishly swear that he would never share Laurie. He was the one thing Ralph could never have. 

It was all over now, or at least it was going to be. Not that Laurie was the reason he was going to do what he had planned out. But, it was like how he felt earlier. He was tired. He lived a long life in those twenty-six years on Earth. He had seen a lot and could no longer sit. His disabled hand is what really killed him. That was what really topped it all off. If he still had his hand he could easily go out to sea and spend some time trying to forget Laurie. But he didn’t know if he would ever get hired again. Meaning he would have to remain on land and deal with his feelings upfront. 

It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Ralph just felt a nuisance. Whosever life he entered, he only seemed to make worse. He was the problem, he figured. And if he was the problem then he was also the solution.

Ralph let go of a breath and turn the car on. His eyes became wet and his chin began to tremble as he tried to hold back the sob that he so desperately wanted to let go. He kept focusing on his breathing and wiping his eyes. 

It will be all right in a couple of minutes. 

He drove home, going the speed limit. 

He reached his flat and seemed no longer in a rush to get from the car to his room. He locked his car and opened the door. 

Mrs. Shenton was in her office, listening to the radio and got up to greet him at the door.

“Well, I do say, I was very surprised at your erratic behavior just before you left, Lieutenant Lanyon,” she said sternly.

“I apologize, Mrs. Shenton. I had to get to the post office before they closed,” Ralph said.

“Well, you will have my complete apology only if you promise to look at the leak on my ceiling in my office after your supper. It has grown since last night’s rainfall and it is still damp.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Shenton, and yes, I will look at your ceiling after supper. I am sorry about running out earlier without stopping to talk to you. I do apologize.” 

“I knew you couldn’t possibly ever be rude to me. I don’t think rudeness is in your nature, Lieutenant,” she said smiling at him. “I am looking forward to seeing you later. I’ll have tea ready as well.”

“Great. I’ll see you later,” he said, giving a shy smile and descended up the stairs. Mrs. Shenton smiled at him and watched him go up.

Ralph took the stamps out of his pocket as he walked up. He thumbed the roll over and examined the little pictures as a reminder of what they were going to be used for. 

He reached the top of the stairs and noticed that his door was open. For a second, he thought it strange, but then remembered that he didn’t lock it when he went out. 

He went to the door and pushed it open, only to see the person that he had come to know well and love. 

Laurie stood at the fireplace and stared back at Ralph. There was some force that was stopping Ralph from running over to where Laurie stood and grab him and kiss him. 

What made him come here? At this moment? Did he know? Perhaps there was still hope.

Ralph walked into his flat and shut the door and looked down.

They remained silent. The world seemed to go still.

Ralph felt he should speak first but couldn’t find the right words to say. Instead, Laurie broke the silence. 

“I had to come,” he said.

 _“Please stay,”_ Ralph thought. 


End file.
